On Being Completely Alone

As much as I declare that I like being alone and isolated from big crowds, I've been finding it more and more difficult to stay alone for too long. I bring this up because for the past weekend, my parents have gone to Reno to celebrate their 28th anniversary together. Naturally, they asked if I wanted to come with, but I chose to stay behind so that I could have some time for myself to do work and hang out with friends.

Growing up as an only child is a big reason why I've been such an introvert. I didn't have any siblings to interact with, and while I received the undivided attention of my parents, I don't consider myself to be spoiled. While most people my age would prefer to go out to a club or drinking with friends, I like staying inside in quiet solitude with either a good book or a video game I've been dying to play. My upbringing taught me to find hobbies that I could pass the time with without having to talk to anyone else.

Even today, I feel like I've become more and more introverted. I'm in my 4th year at SF State, yet I don't have many close friends I can hang out with. I still prefer seeing my old friends from high school on a regular basis. Now this doesn't mean I haven't made an effort. Aside from being extremely self-conscious about my behavior and interests around people I just met or sort of know, I try my best to come off as friendly. Still, there are times where I am stuck amongst a crowd of people who all know each other well and are really close, and there I am staring at a wall trying very hard to blend into the background.

There was a time where I believed that I could one day go off to live in the city and spend my days alone. I would have all the time I could want to read, play video games, and watch all the things I want. The quietness of my environment would let me play jazz and soundtracks all day with no interference. It would've been swell. But I've since come to the realization that I don't want to always be alone. It's great to be alone every now and then, sure. Even the most sociable person in the world needs a break all to themselves. I may love to have some peace and quiet, but these days, I'd rather spend have a friend or my girlfriend around to soak in that quiet bliss.